The Scorching Sun - 20

 Yan Lie leapt onto the windowsill and sat sideways on it, pulling out a red plastic bag like he was unveiling treasure. “Xiao Mu took me to the general store in your village. There were so many snacks I’d never seen before!”

He tore open what looked like a pack of candy and tossed one over to Fang Zhuo.

She might have given a perfunctory smile, though she wasn’t entirely sure herself. Her mood was so low right now that the muscles of her face had turned cold and stiff, beyond her control.

Yan Lie stared at her for a while, then hopped down from the windowsill. Not long after, he came running back. Sitting outside with his back to her, he cupped his hand around something and blew a long whistle through it.

The sound came out sharp and muffled at the same time, barely forming a tune. Fang Zhuo looked over at the noise.

Yan Lie twisted around, braced one hand on her desk, and waved the scallion leaf in his other hand, grinning slyly. “Picked it from Uncle’s yard. Don’t tell him.”

A look of sympathy slowly crept into Fang Zhuo’s gaze as she said, “Do you realize that in the countryside, a lot of vegetables are grown with all-natural fertilizer?"

Yan Lie visibly flinched. He turned his back again, hiding his expression. But Fang Zhuo could already imagine the words my world is collapsing written all over his face.

She added gleefully, “Do you know what all-natural fertilizer means?”

“I know!” Yan Lie cried. “Stop talking!”

Seeing him so thoroughly bested lifted Fang Zhuo's mood for no good reason.

After calming down and thinking it through, Yan Lie realized something was off. He turned back and slapped the desk, not angry in the slightest, laughing instead. “Impossible. There's a toilet in the house. Where would this natural fertilizer come from? And it's just scallions. Why would they need fertilizing? You're lying to me!"

Fang Zhuo snorted. “Serves you right for putting random things in your mouth."

“Got it already!”

He swung his legs outside the window. Fang Zhuo sat in a daze, staring into nothing. The night was quiet for a moment.

After a while, Yan Lie opened a bag of chips. Amid the rustling plastic, he said calmly, “When I was little, I lived by a river. If you walked out the door for a bit, you’d see this huge river.”

Fang Zhuo pulled her wandering mind back and looked intently at his back.

"People often went there to bathe and fish. All the kids my age loved playing in the water, but my grandma never allowed me to. Every year there’d be stories like that in the news, and she thought that if I was ever in danger of drowning, she wouldn't be able to save me.” Yan Lie tilted his head back. “But compared to rivers, I liked the ocean more. The kind in illustrations. Grandma promised me that when I grew up, she’d let me go see the sea. Too bad we never got the chance.”

He shifted slightly and turned his head to ask, “Will you go with me someday?”

Fang Zhuo eyed him suspiciously. “Can’t you go by yourself?”

“No.” Yan Lie said stubbornly, “Someone has to go with me.”

He sounded like a sulking child. After a pause, Fang Zhuo finally said, “Fine then. When I have time."

Yan Lie wasn't entirely pleased with her phrasing. He muttered, "When is 'when you have time'?"

Fang Zhuo didn’t know how to answer that either.

The night wind howled outside. The window and lights were both on, and Fang Zhuo could see mosquitoes and moths still fluttering tirelessly toward the light from the darkness.

She got up to turn off the room light, then told Yan Lie to turn on the light in the courtyard. After that, she took the notebook, climbed onto the desk, and sat down back-to-back with him.

The lighting dimmed considerably. She slipped her fingers between the pages and flipped toward the middle.

The page soaked through with tears was especially wrinkled. She found it almost immediately.

There it was again, the line that had made her tremble.

“I wish I’d never given birth to this child.”

After this sentence, there was a long stretch of blank space.

Perhaps Ye Yaoling had been trying to steady her emotions. Perhaps she didn't know what to write next.

Under the dim yellow light from the courtyard, Fang Zhuo continued to flip through the pages. The old pages looked even more mottled in the darkness. She realized that when Ye Yaoling wrote those words, it might truly not have been out of resentment or anger. Just as Ye Yuncheng had said, she had been calm.

“I failed to give her a good family. It can’t even be called a normal family. But soon I’ll be leaving. What am I supposed to do?”

Fang Zhuo flipped another page.

The writing became denser afterward, though the contents remained fragmented, written down whenever something came to mind.

“Today I went to sweep my parents' graves. The names on the stone tablets looked so unfamiliar to me. I haven't seen them for years, and their images in my mind have grown blurry, but I still clearly remember the way they never loved me.”

“It’s frightening. Remembering those things hurts even more than hearing the news of their deaths.”

“Now I’m a mother too. Maybe I’ll become even worse than they were. One day, when Zhuozhuo faces me, will she also say, ‘You brought me more pain than happiness’? I don’t want her to be so disappointed in me.”

Seeing her own name, Fang Zhuo reread the lines over and over. Even if only faintly, she could feel how much Ye Yaoling had cherished her.

“This truly is my fault. I placed too many expectations on Fang Yiming. I thought he loved me, but he wasn't as wonderful as I imagined. His love might have just been a passing whim. I was never the most special one.

“Perhaps my love for him wasn’t so real either. Those expectations were for myself. Once every illusion shattered, I had no choice but to admit Fang Yiming is just the most ordinary of ordinary men.

“He lit my life like a matchstick, but after the fire burned out, all that was left was ash. So when he chose another path, I felt more disappointed than heartbroken.”

Reading that, Fang Zhuo thought, Fang Yiming really is a terrible man.

“Because I feared the future, I chose to run away. Because I feared responsibility, I chose cowardice. Because I feared losing things, I chose indifference. How pathetic I am. But Zhuozhuo must never become like me.”

Ye Yaoling seemed to have made an enormous resolution. Even her handwriting had become more forceful.

Through the indentations pressing through the back of the page, Fang Zhuo could feel the determination in every stroke.

“I’m getting divorced.”

“I can’t keep pretending nothing is wrong and let Zhuozhuo continue living with Fang Yiming. Begging for a love you'll never receive is painful. I hope she grows into someone strong. Even if she becomes cold, it’s better than becoming as humble and pitiful as I was.

“I hope she won’t miss me. I wish I could teach her myself, to leave all the people who didn't love her in yesterday. Yesterday will never return. She doesn’t need to mourn it.

“I am her yesterday. I love her, but I can’t stay with her much longer.”

Further on were some words she had left for Ye Yuncheng. Mostly guilt. For her sudden departure, and for not having understood in time the loneliness and helplessness Ye Yuncheng had felt.

Fang Zhuo flipped back to the beginning and read everything again carefully, not missing a single word. Then she closed the notebook, set it on her knees, and pressed her forehead against it.

Behind her was Yan Lie’s body heat, scorching hot. Even the notebook in her hands seemed to catch fire with it, igniting something inside her, starting as sparks before spreading into a blazing inferno through her blood, burning all her resentments and hurts into ashes.

“I love her.”

Fang Zhuo silently savored the sentence.

She felt heartache for Ye Yaoling’s life, yet couldn’t suppress the faint joy deep within herself.

Ye Yaoling had remained in her yesterday, which meant yesterday hadn’t been entirely worthless after all.

Fang Zhuo shifted her shoulder. At that moment, she desperately wanted to hear Yan Lie speak, but even after softly calling him twice, there was no response.

Half his weight leaned against her. His head tipped back against her shoulder as he breathed deeply in sleep.

Hearing his steady breathing, Fang Zhuo realized he had fallen asleep. The ends of his hair brushed against her neck, making it itch.

She shook him awake and asked, “Are you really that sleepy?”

Yan Lie still stubbornly defended himself. “I’m not.”

“You fell asleep.”

Yan Lie felt bewildered. Not suffering from insomnia already counted as a blessing for him, so how could he possibly fall asleep in such an awkward position?

He blinked groggily and glanced at Fang Zhuo. This time she looked full of energy, a surplus of it, nothing like the wilted state she'd been in before. He said, "I'm going to bed."

Fang Zhuo moved faster than her thoughts, instinctively reaching out to grab his sleeve.

Yan Lie looked at her questioningly.

She still hadn’t figured out what she wanted to say, so she borrowed a line from the notebook and said philosophically, “Leave the people you didn't like in yesterday.”

Still half asleep, Yan Lie failed to understand and reflexively replied, “Why not just burn them to ashes while they’re still warm?”

Fang Zhuo: “...?”

Yan Lie rubbed the back of his head. "Never mind. Why are you saying this all of a sudden?"

But Fang Zhuo climbed down from the desk instead, lowering her eyes in serious contemplation, then lifting her gaze to sweep over him.

When you thought about it, he actually had a point. 

---

← Previous | Table of Contents | Next →

0